Sometimes God doesn’t give me what I expect. Which is not so great for my selfishness, but perfect for my life.
I was selected today to go on a mission trip to Uganda next June. I have no idea why I’m going, because I have no idea how it happened. My whole life, I have felt called to ministry in music, and ministry within the US. I think I was just blocking international ministry out because I was scared (and selfish). But, I felt convicted at chapel a couple weeks ago to get involved with an international mission trip. Of course, my reaction is to deny it and keep telling myself that it’s not for me. However, a good friend who was leading a trip to Uganda asked me if I was interested in going and I involuntarily said, “Yes!” From that point on the only feelings I’ve had towards going to Uganda have been feelings of excitement, anxiety, happiness, and peace. Never once since that day have I thought it wasn’t where God was calling me.
The expectations I’ve had for my life have been very limited. I limit them out of logic and my own reasoning. It’s so great that I serve a God that can speak to me through the thick wall of pride I’ve built around my heart.
I never would have expected to be going to Uganda. I guess my expectations have changed.
I constantly think that I am “enough” of a person to make it on my own, that I am sufficient. There is no part of my life that is sufficient without God. God is enough.
These are some things I think I can take care of by myself and these are the things that God wants to take care of if I will just let him:
Letting go and letting God take care of things sounds very easy, and it should be. The problem is my definition of easy sometimes. Sometimes I think that letting God take care of things means just asking Him to help, while I go on about my life in the same way as before. Letting go and letting Go take care of things means putting your whole life on the line out of mere faith and replacing “self” with the God of the universe.
I talk about pride a lot mainly because I think about it every time I come to a point in my life where I need change. Everything in my life can be traced back to pride. Think about why people lie. Think about why people steal. Think about why people cheat. I sin daily because I want something more. I think that I need something more. There is nothing more than God, absolutely nothing and absolutely nobody gives more pleasure than God. Not money, not sex, not power, not friends. Yet I constantly run to these things for some sort of peace? Convenience is my problem. God isn’t “real” enough for me, so I find things that are “real” and convenient, and right in front of my face.
The goal of my life, and everyone’s lives, is to find sufficiency. To find something or someone that is “enough” for us. Often we overlook the One who is eternally and infinitely sufficient.
The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in Him.
Nahum 1:7
I pray, Lord, that I would seek You and take refuge in Your care. I pray that I would set aside my pride and know that You are sufficient for me. And I pray that You would continually convict me of the things I don’t trust you with.
If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galations 1:10b
I am not a servant of God. Why? Because I make a daily decision to please “man.” I make a daily decision to please myself, my friends, my professors, my coworkers, my family, and many other “men.” You may argue with me that I’m wrong, but isn’t it true? Isn’t it selfish to want to please people? At the core of pleasing people is a heart that wants to be noticed, loved, and accepted and our immediate reaction to our heart’s desire is to please people.
I am a terrible, terrible sinner. Some people are known for their excellence in science, literature, sports, and other things. Even if I have an ounce of skill in any of those areas, what I should really be “known for” is sinning. I wake up, put on my pride, walk out the door to my Christian school, go to my Christian classes, then my jobs on my Christian campus, and participate in my Christian school’s extra-curricular activities. All along the way, being dragged behind an enormous ego that is “too good” for some people, that is “too smart” for a class, and that is “too busy” to give any time to ministry. I find the people that actually mean something to my life and play them like a baby grand Steinway. I pretend that I’m really interested, that I’m loving, that I can handle anything that comes my way. I pretend these things so that I can please people.
When you and I realize that we are morally evil, dead to sin, and deserving of God’s wrath with no way out on our own, we begin to discover our desperate need for Christ.
David Platt
I desperately need Him. It is then, at this desperation, that I realize it is Jesus that I should be pleasing, not men. It is at this desperation that I realize that being a servant of Jesus means some day sitting next to and praising my Savior forever. My whole existence revolves around a God who paid it all for me. Yet my daily life revolves around an overly prideful child who goes to dad when he needs something; myself. Desperation is necessary. Without desperation, I would die the same ignorant child that I was born as. Desperation for the God of Grace provides hope. It provides forgiveness for my shortcomings, insecurities, and lack of servant-hood towards Him.
The evil one is always at work. Attacking the people of God on a consistent basis. He is attacking me right now and he knows exactly where I’m vulnerable. He is attacking my relationships. He is attacking my time. He is attacking my insecurities. He is attacking my personal relationship with Christ. And I’m falling for every bit of it. I become so reliant on myself to get through tough times. When I do this, I begin to take my hands down from my face that Jesus so sincerely wants to protect, and leave my head wide open for the evil one to swing a right hook for the knock-out. Once I tell Christ to, “sit this one out, I got it,” I immediately have nobody to stop me from letting my pride take over. Vulnerability reaches a new high and I begin a destruction-bound plummet. This is when the evil one attacks, telling me that everything is hopeless and that there is no way to get out. This is when I believe that terrible liar and sulk in a giant pool of self-pity.
But… at the bottom of that terrifying pit is also when I realize that I am in desperate need of a God who can simply speak the evil one away. How does God not deserve my service? Why have I convinced myself that I’m doing “good enough?”
I am not worthy to be a servant of God. But that sure as heck doesn’t mean that I can’t give Him my all to try. I also have no idea how to stop trying to please men completely, but I know that it starts with pleasing God.
I pray, Lord, that I would stop seeking the approval of men and start seeking the approval of You. I pray that I would not fall into the evil one’s lies and that I would trust in You to take him down. I pray most of all that You would rid me of my pride so that both of these things are possible. Oh, how I need you, Lord.
The root of my sin is pride. It is me thinking I know better than God. The root of my unwillingness to seek Him is my pride. It is me thinking I don’t need His nourishment. Sometimes I feel like my heart is dead and I hate it. Desire to seek God gets to an all time low and I just care about having fun. My worldly pleasures take the place of God. The root of my sin is pride. It is me thinking I know better than God. The root of my unwillingness to seek Him is my pride. It is me thinking I don’t need His nourishment.
Then I read this:
“O Lord, you have searched me and know me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and you are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether and lay your hand up me.” - Psalm 139:1-5
That is such a great passage, but it means nothing if my pride stands in the way; if my ignorance stands in the way; if my arrogance stands in the way. All these things build walls around me keeping me from God yet I sing to Him, “Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other,” while thinking ‘except me right?’
Verses 1-5 are held up with a statement that just devastates my pride, ignorance, and arrogance:
“Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.” - Psalm 139:6
I will never know something more than God. I will never know better plans for my life than God. I will never be able to live with the comfort of verses 1-5 without the unreachable knowledge of verse 6. “Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:6)
I pray, Lord, that you would “Search me and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)
